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Opinion: My Next Tattoo Will Be the One That Fixes Me

As someone riddled with multiple hang ups, insecurities, and repressed emotions you’d be correct in thinking that I absolutely need to go to therapy. But that’s expensive, and I really don’t need a second party judging me when I’m doing it myself for free. Instead, like so many others, I’ve taken to a different form of achieving mental equilibrium by getting more tattoos than is necessary. So far I’ve spent $5,000 and the light inside me is still dying.

There is a silver lining though because unlike the last five or six sessions, I’m 100% sure the next tattoo will fix all my problems.

Now I’m not completely blind to the fact that I have arguably spent as much (and possibly more) money on tattoos as I would’ve to see an actual licensed professional to help me get over reliving every embarrassing thing I’ve ever said and done. Yes, both involve making appointments, waiting rooms, and deposits, but only one of them has me walking out with a big tittied mermaid on my chest.

I can sense some of you are reading this and saying “Surely there are other, productive methods of healing your inner child and reconciling with your past mistakes.” First of all, shut up. Secondly, I already tried that which is why I have not one but two skull tattoos. Besides, I’m not going to fall into the trap of the self-care industrial complex by getting into pottery or hiking. My hobby is having ink blasted into my skin until it bleeds, thank you very much.

But it all comes down to this. I’m just one more permanent piece of self-expression away from being able to look in the mirror and not see an awkward, overweight 14-year-old with a bad bowl cut. And instead of addressing my body dysmorphia head on, I’m going to get a big ol’ chest piece on that same body which will more than likely suppress the memory of the 8th grade dance. Checkmate, body issues!

The breakthrough is just around the corner, you’ll see! Pretty soon I’ll be rocking ink so cool, so spiritually cathartic, that I can stop internalizing two decades of self-hatred and remorse. I’m thinking of something like a rattlesnake with a knife through its head or a panther. The guy I go to can easily do either.

And hell, if that doesn’t work I can always just switch to body piercing.