They say that home is where you make it, and when I found out that my favorite hometown watering hole was replaced with a Panera Bread, I decided to put the sentiment to the test. I had to pour one out for Splunky’s, but I really ended up pouring out like 14. Hell, most of the time my buddies and I would be half in the bag before even arriving on dollar draught night. Just because the good old days are long gone doesn’t mean I can’t turn it up and have an unforgettable evening of my own design.
Luckily, I always roll in style, and I already had my Giant Jenga set in the trunk of my Corolla. I would have busted out the cornhole, but my roommate back in the city needed to borrow it for a hometown visit of his own. I called up all of my best buds from back in the day, but I forgot that we all live in different states now. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with having a solo night of debauchery. I figured I’d even make a couple new friends along the way.
So naturally, I started pregaming in my car, and shotgunned a few Twisted Teas to really set the mood. But beforehand, I grabbed a couple of those Charged Lemonades from the drive-thru so I could keep the buzz going well into the night. It’s not quite Four Loko, but it got the job done.
When I finally had a good buzz going, I quickly realized how different things really were. If we were still raging at Splunky’s, everybody would have died of laughter when I threw $20 into the TouchTunes and played nothing but “Wonderwall” for three hours. But blasting it from my car stereo had a polarizing effect, to say the least.
I had to sober up, and fast. “Get me out of here!” I said to no one in particular. “I mean, I need some of that soup in a fucking bread bowl…. stat!” But the kitchen was closed, which threw me into a rage and made me want to storm out and call my ex-girlfriend, which I did like 23 times in a row until she picked up.
Turns out drunk dialing somebody you dated for three weeks over 12 years ago is less of a crowd-pleaser than Liam Gallagher.
Sobbing uncontrollably in a drunken stupor, I wallowed in self-pity and gently pissed my pants. But then I had an epiphany: it wasn’t Splunky’s that made me feel so alive when I was younger. It was public recreational substance abuse.
Next time I go visit my folks, I’m gonna check out that new Lowe’s they broke ground on last week.
