Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the inside of this subterranean Disneyland prison complex is so delightful. That’s right, I might be the one behind bars but it’s actually you who has been caught in my cunning little “Home Alone” trap, cause jokes on you: I actually wanted to spend Christmas in this Disneyland holding cell.
You think it was an accident that I ended up here? A mere coincidence that I got so drunk off twelve ‘Genie and Juice’ cocktails that I decided to hit Goofy with the Stone Cold Stunner in front of all those families during the Christmas Fantasy Parade? Au contraire my friend, this is all going according to my master plan.
You see, money can buy you all sorts of things at Disneyland. A Magic Key Pass to skip the lines. Membership at the exclusive Club 33 where you can rub elbows with the elite class of Disney Adults. Hell, you go down the wrong alley at Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge and flash credits to the right Hutt you can get a lapdance from Jar Jar Binks himself and ooh, mooey mooey, heesa be bussin’ it down. But the most exclusive attraction of all is Scar’s Slammer, and all it costs to get in is your dignity—and I already lost that when I tore my pants after the security guards dressed like Buzz and Woody tackled me.
While all these pathetic families are above ground pretending to be happy while gawkin’ at the Christmas lights, these suckers are missing out on the best part of the whole park. Shit, so what if my kids don’t talk to me anymore, I got three hots and a cot in the happiest holding cell on Earth! I’m making prison eggnog with some non-dairy creamer I swiped from TinkerBucks and ‘Mickey’s Moonshine’ I hid in the wall when I was in here last Christmas. Best of all, I get to spend the holidays with my chosen family: a bunch of minimum wage security guards who aren’t spending Christmas with their families either—and unlike my ungrateful kids, their little handbook says they gotta call me ‘Sir’.
So I’m gonna kick up my feet and enjoy my Christmas in here, and you better not let me out early either, cause you know what I’m gonna do the minute you open that cell? I’m gonna find Goofy and ring in the New Year with another Stone Cold Stunner, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.