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Opinion: I’m Fiscally Conservative, Socially Liberal, and Internet Communist

With this country basically divided into only two camps, I feel like I’m on crazy pills for having a more nuanced outlook on the issues. I know that political discourse is not as black and white as the media portrays, and many contrasting views can be true at once!

Which is why my views are a healthy balance of being financially conservative, socially liberal, and online communist.

Some call me a hypocrite, but I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. I try to be as open as possible when it comes to my political views, even if that means compromising my beliefs and even contradicting myself numerous times in a conversation. Not that I’m trying to, but it’s just that I’m trying to sort all this political bullshit out in real-time across multiple mediums.

I’m not asking for much, just for a government that cuts wasteful spending while ensuring the rights of women, minorities, and the queer community are protected while encouraging online discourse for the proletariat to rise up and overthrow the bourgeois.

That last part is where it gets tricky because that is the future I really want and I think we can all agree it makes sense on paper and Reddit. But then I get thinking about my taxes getting raised to cover shit like universal basic income and healthcare and I think a little bit of social security privatization is fine. Who’s gonna retire anyway?

And before anyone gets it twisted, just because I want funding social safety nets slashed for my own personal gain doesn’t mean I believe marginalized people and communities should be treated second-class citizens. I’m not a monster after all. You will always see me at the pride parade in June holding all the rainbow Bank of America pens!

I firmly believe the internet is for and by the people, because without us there’d be no content period. Plus telling women that I’m all for crushing capitalism is the only way they’ll talk to me. Look at it this way, since more women don’t want to have kids, why not cut education funding by 30%? It’s promoting bodily autonomy and prudent government spending.

Jesus Christ, I sound like an asshole. At least I’m not like those guys who also identified as spiritually libertarian. I’d be insufferable.