These days, it’s commonplace for concert attendees to have their smartphones on hand to record every second of a performance. While many musicians have waxed poetic about the loss of living in the moment and how annoying it can be to see your crowd completely disengaged from you, I’m here today to offer my humble opinion: that, as a performer, I actually love looking out into a sea of illuminated rectangles.
No, really! I don’t mind it at all, and in fact, reap intense joy from the very sight of the faces of strangers lit up like they’re telling a scary story around a campfire. Other performers and singers might totally hate the fact that everyone who is there to supposedly enjoy their work is just staring at a tiny screen instead of actually witnessing the show, but not me. I think it’s deeply comforting to never look a single crowd member in the eye. Or even look at people holding lighters, or people who are too shitfaced to know where they are. I prefer the cool blue glow of an iPhone 14 to all of that.
I just think it’s kind of amazing that in this day and age, people don’t want to be present at all. I love that shit! The people who come to my gigs have no interest in me, they have an interest in documenting a memory they never really experienced in the first place so they can brag to their friends online. That’s honestly a huge step forward for humanity. We’ve bypassed live entertainment completely. And I’m here to tell you definitively that, as someone who does this for a living, I just can’t get enough of this phenomenon.
Speaking of doing things for a living, I’m actually looking into getting a sponsorship with Apple. I really think my unique viewpoint of genuinely adoring when my so-called fans completely fucking ignore me in order to take several hundred 15-second videos they will never revisit could be highly profitable. And sure, I’d consider Android, but we all know that those green-text-bubble fools don’t manufacture the sort of luminescent rectangle that really makes my heart warm.
Do any of you guys have an in down at the ol’ influencer headquarters? Anyone know how I can monetize watching the music industry continue to nosedive both morally and financially? @ me on IG during one of my shows if you do!