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Odd: My Encyclopedic Knowledge of Eastern European Folk Horror Films Isn’t Attracting Women

Just like the bower bird with his bower or the black widow spider with his lively rump dance, human men often go to great lengths to impress potential mates. Some show off how much money they have. Some show off what kind of car they drive. Everyone tries to display their skill at something. For me, it’s Eastern European Folk Horror films, typically from the 60s and 70s. But if I know so many of them, why am I not getting laid?

I’m around so many arty-art girls. So many women who watched “Pearl” and “Midsommar” and (I assume) “Elektra” and just really felt seen by those films’ female gaze. Why is knowing about Eastern European folk horror any different?

Take “Valerie and Her Week of Wonders” (former Czechoslovakia, 1970). It’s a beautiful dream-like depiction of a thirteen-year-old girl, haunted by aging vampires and lustful priests, all in the springtime of her menarche. That’s art-girl stuff right there. It’s basically “Lady Bird” and “Twilight” put together. I assume. Never seen either. Why don’t women want me!?

I’m a simple man. I’m interested in two things: Criterion releasing a cover of “Viy” (former Soviet Union, 1967) and dating a girl who wears a choker even to formal events. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. My friend Joel met his wife because they liked the same kinds of movies. And Joel watches garbage films. He thinks Scorsese is arthouse for God’s sake. He thinks that Buñuel is “too confusing.” Garbage. Smooth-brained garbage. And yet… alone am I.

Yes, not one woman has responded to my repeated texts of “‘Leptirica’ and chill?” It’s like they think I’m being weird. It’s not like I’m saying “Oh, come by and watch “‘Hagazusa’” (Austria, 2017). There’s literally never been a better girly-girl movie than “Leptirica.” (former Yugoslavia, 1973). Everyone on folk-horror Reddit is always talking about how Petar Božović is so baby-girl-coded in that movie.

But don’t despair for me completely. If you thought I had given up hope in using my love for the Eastern esoteric to find love from a woman, then you’d be wrong. Last month, I self-published a very well-respected monograph on “The White Reindeer” (Finland, 1952) and as a result, my DMs are gradually being slid into by copious quantities of Finnish foxes who want to move to America and marry me just as soon as I can send them some money to buy the plane tickets.