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I Never Post About Politics but I’m About to Prove Why I Shouldn’t

Listen, I never EVER post about politics but you are about to see why, because I just can’t hold back anymore.

I know what you guys are all thinking, “wow, Craig’s usually such a laid back dude, he must be really riled up to break his silence.” In these crazy times how could I not be?

Related: No One Remembers I Used to Be in From First to Last, Right?

You see where this is going? You’re going to hear my thoughts, they’re going to be on Facebook, and they’re going to be in the form of a big-ass status update. A status update so big you’re gonna have to click the ‘see more’ button if you want to read the entirety of my nonsensical ramblings.

Is it going to be ignorant? Damn straight.

Am I going to go so far off the rails that I contradict myself time and time again? Without a doubt.

Am I going to alienate both friends and family to the point that it negatively affects my life outside of social media? I FEEL LIKE IT ALREADY HAS.

What do I have in store?

Armed only with my middle school-level knowledge of history and current events, I’m probably going to start by accusing people of TREASON without any understanding of the term or factual basis for the claim.

I’m DEFINITELY going to thump the heck out of the Bible. No, I’ve never read it. And yes, I only go to church on Easter, BUT THAT’S MY BUSINESS, NOT YOURS.

Coupled with a gratuitous amount of racially charged coded language and a complete misunderstanding of the second amendment, guns are going to make a big BANG in this post. So just prepare your fragile little minds for these truths.

In regard to everything from global warming to abortion and whatever a pipeline is, I’m going to be taking both the scientific and medical communities head fucking on. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH!

And get ready for the last paragraph where I tie it all up with a nice bow. I’ll start by saying some bullshit like, “Now I’m not going to tell YOU who to vote for but…”  then I’ll turn it up to 11. By the end of this paragraph you’ll feel just how truly terrifying it is that a seemingly fully functioning adult with a house and family holds these beliefs and hasn’t been committed yet. BUT I HAVEN’T ASSHOLE!

Alright, here it comes . . .