Weeding through dating apps can be a really discouraging headache. After a while it all just becomes one big blur of way too instagramable selfies and the same dozen or so interchangeable descriptions. “A work in progress.” “Cat mom.” “Buy me tacos.” I had almost given up hope when suddenly I came across a fun-loving and free-spirited looking woman “seeking a partner in crime.” I decided to bite, one thing led to another, and now I’m in way over my head.
I thought she just wanted someone 420 friendly to frolic around with and take selfies and shit. I seriously underestimated the vast and dangerous reaches of her criminal empire.
So yeah, I help run a dog fighting ring, amongst other illegal enterprises. It’s fucked up. Trust me when I say that as an animal lover I’m as disgusted by the whole thing as you probably are. But we like a lot of the same movies, we both love the beach, and she cooks a mean chicken marsala, so I just wanna see where this goes.
Before you judge me too harshly try to understand, she thicc.
Not to sound like I’m giving myself a pass or anything here, but I have been pushing for some positive changes from inside, which is maybe kinda how you have to do it. I’ve got us on a healthy, ethically sourced kibble now. I found a vet who doesn’t have an eye patch. I’ve even suggested we teach the dogs to fight with just their tails so they don’t hurt each other that much. It’s an uphill sell but some of the less scary guys are starting to come around I think!
Dog fight/exotic pet breeding/meth trafficking ring aside, this is the best relationship I’ve been in for a long time. To all the naysayers, animal rights activists, and law enforcement agencies out there, I understand your grievances but I just gotta do me right now. And until I find that mythical non-dog fighter woman who likes the movie Anchorman AND walks on the beach, this is me y’all.