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Meet the Cursed Monkey Paw Responsible for Weezer’s Discography

It’s not every day you get a chance to meet an industry legend, but we recently had just such an opportunity. The owner of the cursed monkey paw behind the decades-long career of Weezer gave us an all-access look into what, exactly, goes into the ironic magic behind the band’s success.

“Way back in ’94, I was completely obsessed with the Blue album,” said monkey paw owner Elisha Brown.

“Then one day my neighbor was all fucked up, crying and stuff, and he told me about this monkey’s paw he had and I was like ‘oh hell yes,’ and started thinking of some Weezer wishes, you know how it is.”

Brown’s first wish was simple: he wanted a strong sophomore record for his favorite band.

“The monkey paw delivered big time with Pinkerton. I almost think that album is better than the Blue album. Sure that song about half-Japanese girls is creepy but I didn’t really clock it as like, ironic comeuppance or anything. Far as I was concerned it was a good album, and a good paw.”

It was at this point Brown became a little too bold with his wish-making.

“After a while, I was like, you know what? I love the Blue album, I want more records like that! So i wished on the paw, watched the second finger curl and wither and started anticipating a great new Weezer color album.”

It was at this point that the cursed paw revealed it’s true nature, it’s dark and horrible magic spewing forth The Green Album.

“That one wasn’t great,” Brown admitted. “But I wished for something like the Blue album and the monkey paw delivered another color, so it got me on a technicality.”

But the albums just kept coming, each worse than the last. Warped and demented by the evil power of the paw Weezer continued on a cycle of throwing away every scrap of whatever worked on their previous album and doubling down on everything shitty about it for the next release.

“Once Radititude hit in 2009 I realized I had to put a stop to this, but I didn’t know how.”

Brown said he thought it over for years, working out every possible negative twist, until he landed on his final wish.

“I held the monkey paw up and I said ‘I don’t want Weezer to write songs anymore,’ and then the very next day, they announced the all-covers Teal album.”

Brown said he was out of wishes by the time the Black album came out March 1, 2019. “That was all Weezer. I don’t even think my unholy relic could come up with something that bad.”