In trying times, nothing feels better than an uplifting story that renews our faith. In Raleigh, North Carolina tragedy became a triumph this week when 10-year-old Tyler Hopkins was miraculously resuscitated after a fall at the playground left him clinically dead for nearly 5 minutes. He is expected to make a full recovery, and if that’s not enough to make you believe in a higher power, what Tyler saw just might. Tyler claims he remembers leaving his body and being embraced by our Lord Satan, and can confirm hell is just a cool party place where awesome people just get radical and bodacious 24/7. Can we get a HELL YES?!
What a refreshing affirmation! Not only is hell real, it lives up to our wildest, most cartoonish interpretations!
Tyler recalls first being greeted by the dark lord himself.
“A voice called to me, ‘Welcome to hell little dude, we kept the party warm for yah!’ I turned around, and it was Satan! He looked pretty much like Lobo the Bounty Hunter, only red and with horns. Satan said he was going to give me the grand tour, ‘but first, let’s shred!’ He pulled the bitchinist guitar I’ve ever seen out of nowhere and played the sickest solo ever! I said to him ‘I wish I could shred like that Mr. Devil!’ and he said ‘What are you talking about man? You can!’ All of a sudden, there was a sick axe in my hands and I realized I knew how to play it!”
That’s right — everyone who makes it to hell is given immediate mastery of electric guitar, and according to Tyler most of the time people just walk around shredding at each other and high-fiving. Praise Satan! Our hearts grew darker and darker as Tyler described the splendor that surrounded him.
“Hell has so much cool stuff! There’s skate parks and arcades everywhere, Satan showed me a movie theater that plays every horror movie ever made, and the whole place is pretty much just a non stop kegger! I got to try my first beer with a cool guy who called himself John Belushi! I also did cocaine with a guy named Dee Dee Ramone, he was kinda weird.”
Skeptical? Then how do you explain the fact that Tyler now knows the plot to “Evil Dead 2” and all the words to Dee Dee King’s “Funky Man” despite his parents shielding him from both those things? Even when pressed Tyler could not come up with one single downside to life in hell.
“I mean yeah there’s fire everywhere, but it doesn’t hurt, it just looks cool. I asked Mr. Satan ‘Wait, is Harvey Weinstein down here?’ and he said people like him and Hitler and Trump just stop existing, and everyone else who doesn’t totally suck deep down gets to party in hell forever.”
Tyler’s parents Barbera and Fred Hopkins are collaborating on an illustrated children’s book based on their son’s experience. It’s an exploitation they’re hopeful will earn them a place in hell right next to their boy. God damn them, and from the bottom of our hearts here at The Hard Times, God damn you all!