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I Fucked a Whole Bunch Of Fruits and Vegetables, I Better Write an Article Ranking Them or it Will Seem Weird

OK, so my wife just got home early from her girls weekend because Kelli was being “a total, narcissistic bitch, like usual” and she found me in our living room surrounded by a cornucopia of produce that has either fucked me or been fucked by me. So, I told her that I was assigned to write an article about it. Be cool and play along. Not looking for judgment here.

5. Watermelon

People claim a watermelon heated in the oven with a hole cut into it is the go to fuck fruit but I find cooking times and rind breakage to be too cumbersome, plus I couldn’t find a good balance point so the round fruit would stay still.

4. Vine-Ripened Heirloom Tomatoes

You know when someone says they are going to be gone for an entire weekend it is on them what they discover if they come home early. This is the Spank & Tickle Party incident all over again.

3. A Handful Of Organic Spinach

Spinach produces it own natural lubricant and the leaf size allows for precise distribution and placement. But in the end, I think this boils down to the problem with my marriage as a whole. I don’t feel I should have to hide my inner desires.

2. Cucumber

Ain’t nothing wrong with a good old frozen cucumber prostate massage. Maybe if we didn’t live in this sterilized judgemental culture and people were allowed to explore their fetishes without fear of rejection then we would be nicer to one another. Just sayin’.

  1. Spaghetti Squash

Now we’re talkin’! Portable and versatile with a soft, corpusculos texture. The only problem is that it is a seasonal vegetable and not readily available when the mood strikes. I tried pickling and canning them but it just isn’t the same.

OK, I think she bought it. Thanks for helping me out. Check in next week to read my review of the 30 pairs of used women’s shoes she found in the garage.