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I Didn’t Buy This Band Shirt From Hot Topic Like a Child, I Bought It From Target Like an Adult

Where did I get this totally sweet retro band shirt, you ask? You might think I bought it from Hot Topic like some sort of teenager who’s too busy racking up TikTok followers to have a matured sense of fashion. Don’t be fooled! I purchased it from Target. Like an adult.

You see, on my eighteenth birthday, I decided it was finally time to grow up. So I burned all of my old Hot Topic shirts and repurchased new ones from Target. Of course, I kept the receipts this time around and filed them away for tax purposes in a folder I won’t be able to find later. I know that sounds like super grown-up stuff but, hey, we’re not kids anymore.

Do I miss my youth? Sure. As a 22-year-old I definitely miss being young. Hell, I still remember high school like it was a couple of years ago even though it was actually a few years ago. I’m already nostalgic for those times I would saunter into Hot Topic, vaped out of my mind, and stand in complete awe of their enormous wall of band shirts. But now, as an adult, I’ve learned to temper my enthusiasm and apathetically rummage through clothing racks at a big boy department store to find music-related merch.

In fact, I won’t even step foot inside a mall anymore unless I absolutely need to get something from Spencer’s Gifts. Like last week when I needed a new lava lamp to complement the Jeff Goldblum tapestry pinned up on my bedroom wall. Or when I have to work my part-time job at Cinnabon in the food court. Actually, I guess I still do go to Hot Topic now and then for those exclusive Funko Pop figurines. Other than those times though you won’t catch me dead inside a mall.

Yep. It’s only a matter of time before I’m a full-blown adult who wears New Balance sneakers for comfort, checks out the minute one of my future kids gets excited about anything, and hangs “live, laugh, love” merch in my living room. Adulting!

Oh, I’ve also started pronouncing Target with a French accent. That seems to be what adults do. Targét, anyone?