You’ve suffered through their bullshit your whole life. Now that you’re engaged, it’s time to get revenge on your family, friends, and loved ones. And since it’s your wedding, there’s nothing they can do about it. They can’t even complain, not even years down the road. Savor this!
Here are The Hard Times’ best tips for making your wedding as expensive, arduous, and inconvenient as possible.
1. Location, Location, Location
So how do you choose where to have your destination wedding? Make sure it’s somewhere obscure enough that absolutely no one can get a direct flight. Choose somewhere scenic but not actually fun- you don’t want people getting a real vacation out of this. It’s YOUR wedding, and everyone’s experience should revolve around you. Make sure the destination is not a place any guest might actually want to go if given free will (which they don’t have here). And as a bonu, choose a place you have no personal connection to so everyone gets more confused as to why you chose it.
Picking a bad location is the first step, but raise the stakes by making every part of the trip a nightmare. Ensure that the nearest airport is so small that no one can get a direct flight, even if they can afford it. Then, choose a wedding venue nowhere near that airport so guests have to figure out public transportation, pay for an expensive cab, or rent a car where they have to drive on the scary side of the road.
Invite your most broke, underemployed friends. Twist the knife into their struggle. And if you start to suspect that they may pull the “I can’t afford it!” card, ask them to be in the wedding party. Then, they simply cannot refuse.
Conventional wisdom says that if you make guests travel far and wide, they don’t owe you a gift. But you’re not conventional. After the wedding, be sure to text everyone who didn’t give you a little extra and ask “Hey, I can’t seem to find a card from you. Did I lose it?” Then send them the link to your registry. They will lose sleep that night (and probably for the next few).
Always remember to put yourself first, because this is going to be the best weekend of your life. Until you get divorced and do it all over again in 6 years.