Has your once hot and heavy sex life lost its flavor? Like you’ve gone from an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet to a bowl of plain lettuce? Sure, you knock boots with your partner from time-to-time (if it’s a Saturday and she isn’t feeling bloated), but it’s routine, it’s boring. No need to fear, there is a surefire way to spice things up!
Enter kitchen daddy Gordon Ramsay. He’s a multi-Michelin-starred, internationally-renowned ornery chef, and when he comes into your bedroom and screams at you to cum faster, you’ll say “How high, sir?” Here’s how to make it happen!
Step 1: Slide into Gordon Ramsay’s DMs
You know what you want (Gordon to yell at you to cum during coitus). It’s time to start a relationship with the cantankerous cook. Begin by complimenting an Instagram recipe, and don’t be afraid to be a little sexual about it. Tell him his kebabs look juicy and fulfilling. This will plant the seed for what’s to come.
Step 2: Become Chums With Gordon
Gordon Ramsay is a busy man. He cooks, manages several restaurants, and he’s a television star to boot. Establish a connection by making an appearance at one of his restaurants. When you ask to compliment the chef, make sure to meet Gordon in person. You are one step closer to inviting him into your bedroom so he can do his signature scream.
Step 3: Invite Gordon Over for a Dinner Party and Subtly Incorporate Your Cumming Problem Into the Conversation
Once you establish a relationship with Gordon, impress him with your culinary skills. If something on the menu is a little off, this is a good thing. Gordon will for sure yell at you a little bit about it. Casually mention that sometimes it takes a while for you to get cross-eyed in the sac. Once this is in his head, it sets the stage for the next round: Gordon hollering at you so you and your partner can get your rocks off together.
Step 4: Ask Gordon Over to Scream at You to Cum Faster
You are now ready for the final step in this fucked-up friendship. Invite Gordon Ramsay back to your home so he may wail at you during sex. First cook him a five-course meal to warm him up a bit. After dinner, just start going at it. Gordon Ramsay is now your third, but for shouting purposes. He will call out things like, “You think you’re a cummer? Huh? Show me!” In a moment of raw vulnerability, he may retract a bit. “Listen mate, I’ve been there. I’ve been through this shit, yeah? But you gotta keep it together! We’re here to cum!” You’ll be nutting in no time.
Step 5: Thank Gordon for Saving Your Relationship
Gordon Ramsay has single-handedly saved your sex life by shouting you through it. You should thank him, probably with another five-course meal. A little post-coital sniveling will show reverence as well. Remember, Gordon likes that and it will only help the cause in the long run. Keep him on retainer as a spicy third to come in and howl whenever you’re doing sex bad. Thank you, Gordon Ramsay!