Relationships are emotional journeys with peaks and valleys. And one of the toughest valleys you may endure is the realization that your man can never be as exciting, passionate, urgent, nor commanding as the unique metallic snare sound on Snapcase’s legendary track “Caboose.”
Many people hit this stumbling block a year or two into a relationship. They look at that sack of shit on the couch next to them and yearn to be sucked off by the thick, cracking drum tone that makes one’s heart race. But to be fair, it’s a lofty expectation that no man can reach. You need to dig deep within yourself and find ways to love that sack of shit regardless. So here are some tips.
Set the text tone for your loser human to one of the really clean snare hits on “Caboose”. The opening hit has no other instruments playing over it, so go with that one. You may start to build a positive association between that sound and your piece of shit lover. But beware that this could backfire. If you really hate your lover, you could create a negative association with drummer Timothy Redmond’s signature sound — a fate worse than death.
While having sex, imagine you are getting plowed by that glorious burst of wood and drumhead energy instead of a human male. This is personal and subjective, so we’ll leave the imagery to you. Just don’t open your eyes, or you’ll remember that you’re actually fucking a deeply average guy with no hopes of career progression. The snare from “Caboose” is now CEO of Eating Ass, Inc.
Try to make your man more like the snare tone. Take him camping and make him chop wood with a metal axe on an anvil. Anytime he misses, gaze at him longingly and ask “What was that, babe?” Or have him roleplay with a metal suit of armor, and push him down the stairs. That clanging may just be enough to light the spark in your loins.
When all else fails, just leave your man for the sound of the snare drum in Snapcase’s “Caboose.” Stop lying to yourself. You’ll never be really happy until you get what you want. We know a spiritual healer who will perform the ceremony, which is not legally binding but expensive enough to feel like you’re really investing in the relationship. May your children have girth, top-end bite, and solid maple crack.