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How To Get That Summer Body Out of Your Basement and to the River Discreetly

Summer’s here and it’s on full blast, whew! Temperatures are rising, days are longer, and the unmistakable stench of rotting carcass is starting to creep up from the concealed murder room in your basement. Yuck! It’s time to get up, get out, and dispose of incriminating evidence that could put you away for life (no thanks!).

Let’s get you as much sun as possible! First-degree murder charges for the brutal torture and dismemberment of your ex-partners lover can be a bummer and really cut down on your tanning time. The goal is to avoid these unnecessary detours — or time drainers — in a happy and healthy way; don’t get caught in a time drain…or by the police!

Hot weather means one thing: swimsuits ahoy (what-whaaaat)! Everyone will be looking to see that figure of yours that’s been hidden away all winter…the beaches will be packed! This is good because we want to aim for more heavily wooded areas with plenty of cover and a healthy, efficient ecosystem.

Just imagine all the jealous looks you’re going to get this season! Almost as jealous as when you came home early to find Tristan and that degenerate hotel concierge on the frilly couch you bought for your anniversary last year. Get ready to knock ‘em dead!

Once you shed those ugly pounds of evidence you’ll be the talk of the town!

The most important thing is not to get caught in a rut. Look for more of a ditch or flooded ravine. Above all, remember you are a stunningly beautiful human being so get off the couch and get out there! Increased visibility provides a helpful alibi.