How to Become Impervious to Phishing Scams by Never Reading Your Work Emails

Is it just me, or are we just being scammed and baited online every waking second of the day? Long story short, I might have been at work and clicked on a link from someone who I thought was an OnlyFans model and got all of our social security numbers stolen, and now we all have to take mandatory internet security training every month. Just what I need, more useless information preventing me from reading emails I don’t want!

Of course, I wasn’t going to put up with this crap. That’s why I’ve managed to render myself impervious to phishing scams by never checking my work emails, ever.

I got the idea after being sent a “test” phishing email from my own damn job. It wasn’t enough that I was already scammed; now work was gonna gaslight me? I thought I was doing the CEO a solid by hooking them up with some Visa gift cards. But all that happened after clicking the link was being involuntarily signed up for mandatory cybersecurity training. So if IT was going to be like that, then I decided to go scorched earth and avoid emails entirely, and you can too.

First, you’re going to need a cover story for why you’re never responding to anyone, so make sure you fill up your calendar with fake meetings and out-of-office responses. After a while, it will only be your coworkers getting looped in and circled back on, while you and your personal data remain unbothered.

Next, start showing up at your coworkers’ desks unannounced at random times, and if they’re in a meeting, make sure they see you so they can find you later. Work email only exists because your coworkers are cowards who won’t ask you for status updates to your face. It’s the same for phishing scammers. If you’re going to steal my banking info, do it while looking me in the eye like an adult. I’m not opening your dumbass links anymore. Probably.

If all else fails, tell your boss that you’re functionally illiterate, and then by law they have to make reasonable accommodations for you! I tried it, and they gave me a personal assistant, plus they took my computer away, and now I never have to use Teams again. Remember, the phishers can’t trick you if they can’t reach you.

Or you know, just quit your job and live in the woods. Whatever is more convenient.