Sunday gets a bad rap, despite being the one day when it’s socially acceptable to be drunk in public at 10 a.m. because football is on. For many people, though, there is no escaping that creeping realization as the days nears its end that they’ll have to go back to their soul-crushing jobs the next morning, a feeling more popularly known as the “Sunday Scaries”. Call it what you will, but knowing what little time you have for yourself is about to turn into 40 (or more) hours of survival mode isn’t fun for anyone.
But what if I were to tell you that there was a way to beat the Sunday Scaries for good? It’s a simple matter of accepting that linear time is a meaningless sociological construct, and that unemployment will result in a never-ending weekend.
No one wants to admit it, so I’ll just say it: concepts of “time” and “careers” are merely inventions of calendar companies and private equity firms conspiring to steal 20 days a month from you. If it weren’t for those shadowy bastards, we wouldn’t feel the existential dread of not having enough time to rest, and Garfield wouldn’t hate Mondays.
I can see you’re still preoccupied with the 55 emails waiting for you in your inbox tomorrow morning, so let’s get scientific. Albert Einstein’s theory of special relativity states that people experience the passing of time at different speeds depending on how they are moving, so technically you could buy yourself a few extra hours on Sunday by remaining in one spot on your couch combined with rewatching “The Sopranos” in its entirety instead of applying for jobs. Repeat this every day, and it’ll always be the weekend.
If that weren’t enough, there’s a whole philosophical movement based on Einstein’s theories called “eternalism” which states that all time is happening at once, so it’s not really Sunday evening but also last Friday and next Saturday. It’s all about how you personally believe we exist in the universe, but maybe don’t bring that up at the benefits office when picking up your unemployment checks.
Perceiving time and space is a complete shitshow that humanity is still trying to figure out, so quit worrying about what tomorrow brings or what day it is. Wake up! But at, like, 12:15 in the afternoon, since you don’t need to worry about commuting to work anyway.
