Your parents are kind of like real-life superheroes when you’re growing up, so when they sit you down at the tender age of 26 to inform you of their divorce, it’s like watching Wonder Woman break up the Justice League. “But I don’t want to have two bedrooms!,” you’ll cry, or, “Wonder Woman, is it possible those pictures you found on Batman’s phone of his old coworker, Commissioner Gordon, were meant for somebody else?”
Look, I get it. Imagining your parents finding love again with other people and becoming happier than you’ve ever known them to be is a scary thought, but I’m here to tell you that you can fix this and get them back together. And all you have to do is become their common enemy.
Phase I
As you navigate your way through the world of becoming a functioning nemesis, you’ll find that most guys out there will recommend you execute small acts of vengeance and then gradually move on to larger retributions. Steal the linens, egg the house, kidnap the parrot for a bit and teach it a few curse words in German—I agree that these are all serviceable first steps.
But I know you’re here for the good stuff, and maybe even an autograph later, so listen up: Those tires on Mom and Dad’s ugly-ass Mini Coopers? No match for the Swiss army knife your father gave you for those camping trips that you’re apparently no longer important enough to be invited to. Symbolism!
Then leave notes telling them both to take the trolley and meet you at the restaurant you all used to go to back when there was still meaning in your life.
Phase II
Here’s the deal: you could walk away right now and leave your parents hanging without once escalating your villainy, but then I’d have to call you a pussy. Because here’s what you’d miss: Your parents—alone—on the same trolley. No driver (Oh no.). No brakes (Uh-oh!). A fork in the road—do you see where I’m going with this? On one track: your stepfather, tied-up, unconscious. The other: Commissioner Gordon—he helped ruin your folks’ marriage, so he doesn’t deserve “stepdad” status.
Boom! Your classic philosophical quandary that I’m sure has a name but I haven’t looked it up to be sure. Can’t you just feel the tension in the air? Watch as their hands gingerly brush against the other as they either change tracks or stay the course? Do you think they’ll kiss? Will they run over the lamest guy?
Phase III
Thankfully the tram won’t be diabolical enough to finish the job—but that’s where you come in! Because as your parents find comfort in each other’s company at the hospital with whatever spouse got Sophie’s Choice’d, you’ll reveal the final step of your grand scheme. Surprise! You just so happen to be the CEO of that poor sap’s health insurance provider, and you’ve determined that their life-threatening streetcar lacerations are a pre-existing condition. And by “pre-existing” you mean they’ve existed that way in your mind ever since they decided to tear your world apart.
If you’ve followed this outline correctly, you can expect your parents to join forces once more and beat you within an inch of your life in the hopes of removing you from the bloodline for good. And if they ever find it in their hearts to forgive you, you’ll be a family again in no time—or however long it takes to finish your rounds of physical therapy.