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How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?

As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility than I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. I had the idea to dip my toes in the waters of home ownership by possibly getting a houseplant.

The thing is, I don’t have a great track record of keeping living things alive. Case in point: my multiple dead children.

Who knew you have to feed them every single day? Like, they should give you a handbook or something when you leave the hospital. Or at least a link to a YouTube video! I bet Vsauce has a video on how to keep a human baby alive. But how would you just know?

The first one definitely wasn’t my fault. Really, none of them were. Nothing is my fault. But if I were to take blame as a silly thought experiment, it would probably be for my forgetfulness. I need to get better about writing things down. Maybe this is the year I really start using Google Calendar.

Let’s look on the bright side: All three kids were great learning experiences. Teddy, Sarah, and the other one taught me so much about responsibility. I learned to be honest with myself and to ask myself the tough questions.

Am I even at the point in my life where a plant can rely on me to consistently be there, stealing my attention away from Skyrim? I’m not so sure. I’m just not there yet. I think I will be at some point, but I really don’t know when. You have to water plants so frequently, and I think sometimes you have to do stuff to the soil. And how do you know which ones need direct sunlight? I’m no botanist!

The indecision makes other aspects of life tough, like dating. If a girl starts talking about getting a houseplant on a first Bumble date, it’s a huge red flag to me. Like, woah. Why don’t you just cut the bullshit and handcuff us together now? I’m just trying to have a good time and see where things go.

So no, I’m not ready for a houseplant yet. And I think it’s healthy to allow myself that grace. Ask me again in my 40’s.