Today was definitely not the greatest day I’ve ever known. It started like any other day: the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and all seemed right with the world. The trouble started when I decided to stop at the record store after work to finally replace the beat-up copy of Siamese Dream I’d had since 1993. Little did I know that my routine visit to Bull Moose would turn into a bloodbath.
No sooner had I walked out of the store, brand new record in hand, when a man in a ski mask stopped me and demanded I give him everything I had…or else. At first, I thought it was some TikToker making a prank video, but then he pulled out a switchblade.
The moment I saw that knife, my mind started to race. In 43 years, I had failed to acquire any useful self-defense tips. I looked down at the Smashing Pumpkins album in my hand, and suddenly the answer hit me. Of course, it was so simple! I could disarm my assailant with a smile!
If you told me in the seventh grade that the words of Billy Corgan would someday save my life, I wouldn’t have believed you. Thirty-one years later, as I lay bleeding from 12 stab wounds in a strip mall parking lot, I can confirm they do not.
I don’t know what it was about my smile that the mugger found so offensive, but as soon as I flashed my pearly whites, he began thrusting his blade into my stomach over and over again with savage abandon. All in all, it took him only 20 seconds to turn my abdomen into Swiss cheese and make off with my phone and wallet. He left the record, though, so that’s something, at least.
Thankfully, an old lady coming out of Market Basket saw me lying in a pool of blood and called 911. Now, as I wait for the EMTs to come, I can’t help but wonder how many other grunge legends lied to me. Was Alice in Chains wrong? Did they come to snuff the Rooster? What if Kurt Cobain was fibbing, and it’s actually more dangerous with the lights out? Hell, I bet that Jeremy kid didn’t say shit before he shot himself.
One thing I do know is that when I’m well enough, I plan on suing Billy Corgan. Nothing excessive, just enough cash to cover my medical bills. After all, it was his irresponsible lyrics that got me stabbed 12 times. It’s the least he could do!