Ever since I was a little boy I’ve wanted to be the frontman of a world-famous group like The Beatles or Less Than Jake. Well after months of talking about it, I finally got the boys together and started our own band.
Problem is we don’t have a bass player yet. But after weeks of searching, someone named Amelia Bedelia finally responded to our Craigslist ad. She said she’d never been in a band before, but she’s a fast learner and has her own bass. Sounded good to me! I told her to come to my parent’s garage tonight to jam. My dream had finally begun in earnest.
But I’m really starting to question my decision, because earlier she walked in wearing a maid outfit, swinging around a giant fish like a pair of nunchucks.
Now don’t get me wrong, it was a beautiful catch. Maybe 14 pounds 4 ounces give or take. No discoloration on the scales. But I thought she was bringing a bass guitar, not a bass fish!
I figured no big deal, she could use my dad’s old Ibanez. Just a little miscommunication right? We’d look back fondly on these inauspicious beginnings when we’re touring the globe. I was just pumped to finally have a full band.
Regrettably in my excitement, I screamed “Let’s rock this place!”
That’s when Amelia started throwing rocks at me and my drummer. I don’t know why she had so many readily available, but she did. She pulled rock after rock out of that Mary Poppins bag of an apron. I don’t think she stopped because of our screams, only because she ran out of ammo.
Luckily we were mostly unscathed. The garage however was a wreck. Well, it was already a wreck, but more so now.
I asked Amelia to explain herself. She just stared at me glassy-eyed and replied “You said rock this place, so I did.”
It was clear to me now. Amelia was either a performance artist, or someone who means well but misinterprets basic instructions in a very literal sense. Or she might just be willfully ignorant. Either way, it’s obvious this isn’t going to work out. No Paul McCartney or Roger Lima is worth this hassle. I’m telling her to scram.
Oh God Amelia’s walking over. What’s she holding? Is that a tray of cookies? They smell heavenly. Are these butterscotch? My word, they’re delicious!
You know what, forget everything I said. Anyone who can bake like this is in the band. Amelia rocks!