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Fig Newtons: 5 Wild Facts About the World’s Sexiest Snack That Will Leave You Quivering With Desire

Since 1891, the world has enjoyed Nabisco’s greatest and most fuckable creation, the Fig Newton cookie. Although we all have great memories of having a delicious yet healthy snack that also makes us more aroused and conscious of the erotic potential of our bodies than any human could, we bet there’s a lot you don’t know about the Fig Newton!

These wild facts about the world’s sexiest snack are not only fun but also sure to leave you quivering with the kind of desire that only the gods know in their revels.

#1: Crumble beginning

Fig Newtons were first created by Charles Roser, one of Philadelphia’s most expert bakers and inventors of marital aids! In the 19th century, it was generally agreed upon by physicians that in addition to cocaine-infused colas, a healthy diet consisted of figs and crumbly, luscious, engorgement-causing biscuits. In a successful attempt to create a healthy baked good, Roser invented a process by which mashed figs were deeply, penetratingly inserted into a tube of cookie dough and history was made.

#2: Don’t mess with the original

There are several different varieties of fruit-filled Newton cookies, but none can compare to the sheer erotic power of the fig. Currently, Nabisco manufactures strawberry, apple cinnamon, raspberry, cherry, and blueberry Newton flavors, none of which sell a fraction of the original fig variety because of brand awareness and their comparative lack of sex appeal.

#3: They don’t just help you fuck!

Figs promote digestive health because there’s nothing those babies can’t and won’t do for our bodies. The Mediterranean fruit is naturally high in calcium, potassium, magnesium, fiber, and the ability to make any living human drop to their knees, overcome by raw lust. Your gut health will never have a better friend than a Fig Newton and other parts of your anatomy.

#4: Any time is the right time to get your fig on

They’re a great snack after sex, before sex, during sex, or for having sex with. You probably already know this one, because we all constantly are scarfing down Fig Newtons at every stage of coitus, utilizing every possible orifice.

#5: “Sweet” Dreams

If you eat a Fig Newton before bed, you’ll have the most erotic wet dream imaginable! For most, it takes the form of an anthropomorphic Fig Newton drawing you into its arms, whispering the most tantalizing dirty talk into your ear, and inviting you to a night of unparalleled pleasure.

Sweet dreams!