David Lynch, the iconic auteur behind such projects as “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet,” and “Mulholland Drive,” passed away today at the age of 78. Maybe. We think. It’s also possible that he has entered a world just beneath the surface of this world known as “The White Lodge,” or that everything we are witnessing is merely someone’s dream. Gotta be honest we are completely lost on this one.
Our office has been in a surrealist state of high strangeness ever since the story was announced. When our editor first informed us, there was an immediate silence, followed by every writer saying “We’re sorry” in unison. The lights dimmed, and a spotlight suddenly showed on Julee Cruise, who honest to god we didn’t even know was there a second ago. She sang a hauntingly sad song, which we applauded, then attempted to resume business as usual.
For a few moments, everything seemed normal, save for the jazz music playing in the background that no one could find the source of. Then, an intern began shrieking in terror at a ceiling fan. Our copy editor waltzed passed her humming an old doo-wop song, his hair having mysteriously turned white. The head of our art department inexplicably transformed into a 20-year-old mid-west auto mechanic who looked exactly like Balthazar Getty, and we had to let him go.
We’ve employed every means of deduction at our disposal to unravel the mystery of what exactly is going on here—dream analysis, spiritual intuition, the Tibetan method—and so far every clue has created more questions than it’s answered. Here’s what we know so far:
The Body
Lynch was found on the side of a lake wrapped in plastic, his arms tied backward. A tiny piece of paper with a lowercase “r” was extracted from one of his fingernails, perhaps what The Giant was referring to when he said, “When he is pointing he can talk.”
Time Of Death
Lynch’s exact time of passing was printed in a personals ad in a BDSM magazine published two weeks ago, suggesting either prescience or foul play. The ad also contained the chess move Qc7.
There Is A Giant
Oh, we should backtrack a bit. Yeah so there’s a giant, we call him The Giant, he shows up and tells us stuff sometimes. He’s also maybe a dancing jazz dwarf or an arm. Everybody up to speed? Great.
Every Woman Involved In The Case Is An Absolute Smokeshow
Talented! Undeniably talented but yeah, wall-to-wall 10s.
The Owls Are Not What They Seem
They are either aliens, tulpas, or ghosts, if they exist at all. This has no bearing on the case whatsoever but just, be aware.
We’re At Your House Right Now
Here’s a phone, go ahead and call your house. You’ll hear us answer. It’s fucking crazy man.
On July 16, 1945, The First Atomic Bomb Was Detonated
It is unclear if this unholy act created true evil itself or merely opened the door for already existing otherworldly evil to enter our plain of reality but needless to say The Giant, who is also The Fireman, did not approve.
Pay Particular Attention To The Opening Of Mulholland Drive
Lynch insists that at least two clues to his death are revealed before the credits. Note the coffee cup.
Andy Has A Gun
This is unrelated but should Andy really have a gun?
A Horse
Just a beautiful, magnificent white horse.