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Covert Listening Device? Zoom Says I Have a Poor Connection With My Father

I’m extremely freaked out. I’m not normally a big conspiracy guy, but I was on a Zoom call with my dad this afternoon and a window popped up to warn me that we were “unable to connect.” No shit, zoom! We haven’t hugged in years.

Excuse me but when the fuck did I give Big Brother the right to evaluate my relationship with my dad? It’s none of their business whether we connect or not because, first off, we have a complicated relationship. Also, avoiding politics, discussions of culture, and people in general is the best thing we’ve done for our relationship. Ok, Mr. Zuckerberg? Ok, Mr. Musk? Is that good enough for you? Is that what you fucking want to hear?

It’s basically “Cat’s in the Cradle” over here with the old man. I don’t need Big Tech to tell me that. Especially when I didn’t even pay for the good version of Zoom.

I don’t go into Zuck’s phone and read his texts and say he’s not connecting with his wife even though obviously the dude has never connected with anyone on earth, which explains his success in a psycho kind of way. Frankly, this whole experience has me looking over my shoulder.

My wife and I just got one of those Alexa things and I shudder to think what Amazon thinks about our sex life. We’re probably on some spreadsheet somewhere. Bezos, no doubt, is about to send me a fucking unsolicited email with a list of my favorite positions and a graph depicting how many times I pull a muscle during each one. Well, no thanks, Jeff! We already talked about it! I’VE BEEN STRETCHING!