There was a time when any time I’d see that obscenely wealthy asshole Jeff Bezos gracing the cover of Forbes, I’d wish I could just reach into the picture and give that cue ball looking jackass a nice hearty slap. I know it was nothing more than idyllic fantasy, but it’s hard to sit there and be okay with a society that rewards resource hoarding and the subjugation of the working class. There had to be a way to stick it to him, even if it was petty and insignificant, and send a message.
That’s when I recently began turning revenge fantasy into action. Now, I’m doing my part in the war on billionaires by punching random bald guys on the street on the off chance one of them is Jeff Bezos himself.
Some people in my community have objected to my methods, so for the sake of transparency, I want to assure everyone that any act of violence against middle-aged, follically challenged men around 5’7″ is purely out of respect for the working class and anyone who received shitty HDMI cables on Amazon. I’ve tried explaining this to the police every time I get arrested for assault, but of course, they’re going to protect the ruling class.
So far, I’ve been unsuccessful, but you never know when Bezos could be lurking, especially in this age of surveillance. For all I know, he could be one step ahead of me after listening to all my anti-capitalist rants caught on my Ring camera. He may also be using his short stature to his advantage in evading my fists of retribution.
Maybe, just maybe, Jeffrey will disembark his superyacht parked on the Amalfi Coast and deign to walk among us, like when I thought I saw him walking out of the gas station, but it turned out to be my old gym teacher. In my defense, the sun was in my eyes, but I stand by my actions.
It sounds like I’m profiling people, and that’s because I am. But this is for a good cause! I’d never forgive myself if the one time I didn’t knock out a random baldy in my path, that it turned out to be the king of exploitation. Let me ask you this: if you had a one in 750 million chance to punch an actual supervillain, but it meant punching strangers all over town who bore a slight resemblance to them, you’d take those odds, right? I thought so.