My 1:1 sync with Todd was going as expected. We kicked things off by describing the weather in our respective towns and then went on to politely lie about how lowkey the weekend was. Having to explain the intricacies and politics of the children’s MMA league I referee for has never been my thing.
He was highlighting the mitigation of client-impacting risk factors as a new quantifiable KPI when I noticed that he was like, staring directly into my eyes. I’ve always been confused on how that works. Do you stare into the camera? Are you supposed to? Is that proper Teams etiquette? I was lost in thought when he suddenly said “Stop talking and smooch me” then caressed his camera, eyelids fluttering as he leaned in and made movements with his mouth that I’ve only ever seen dogs make when they eat peanut butter.
I wasn’t immediately clear on what was happening until Todd said, “We can’t do this, I’m your boss,” and then I said, “Todd, I think you’re on mute,” and then he went off mute and said, “Classic Todd! Anyways, we can’t do this I’m your boss.” The meeting ended abruptly, as Todd announced he was giving me the last 10 minutes back to stretch my legs or get a cup of water.
I’m pretty sure this was sexual harassment. Right? Or maybe it’s just weird? Is it cyber-bullying? I tried to report the kiss to our HR department in hopes of getting some clarity but they’re run by an AI chatbot now and my query was flagged as inappropriate for using the word “sexual.”
Was I somehow leading him on? I know I wasn’t staring into his eyes because I don’t know how to do that on Teams! Was it because I gave him the smiley face with sunglasses emoji on his Slack post about the Lupus Walk thing? The sunglasses make it coquettish, it’s too sexy! I’m really in a bind now too because I still have an unapproved PTO request for the Iron Child Death Match later this month in Edison, New Jersey. I already paid for my VRBO!
When I brought this up with my therapist over Zoom, he was fascinated (about the kiss that is, not the Iron Child Death Match, I don’t talk about that kind of stuff with him.) “A Microsoft Teams kiss? But It could never work. Unless…” he trailed off, seemingly on the verge of a breakthrough. But then he just had me go over the kiss again in great detail, even turning off his camera so I wouldn’t be distracted. Then when he finally came back he said, “Well this was fun,” and asked if I needed an Uber.