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We Asked 5 Executives the Key to Success and They Just Masturbated in Front of Us

Success in today’s business world is hard to come by, so we asked five executives for any advice they might have to share. Once you get past all the jerking off stuff, there are some really good tips for climbing today’s corporate ladder!

John Anderson, Senior VP of Commerce, Best Buy

How does this big box store stay in business while so many of its competitors have failed to adapt to the digital marketplace? We asked Mr. Anderson, who did not hesitate to inform us that he was getting a little turned on. After blocking the door and proceeding to furiously masturbate, he said something about the Geek Squad providing a personal service that many older customers are unable or unwilling to learn. Although he did warn us of the need to plan ahead as consumer bases shift to the next generation. And then he came. Thanks, Mr. Anderson!

Chad Barkell, Senior Executive, Samsung

How do you stay on top in an aggressive field? According to Mr. Barkell, it’s easy! Just get on top of your competition, don’t let them out from under you, and ask them if they wouldn’t mind pinching your nipples or something. Barkell was a true gentleman and happily displayed these techniques for us in his private office.

Related: As an Ally I Only Masturbate to Pornography Featuring POC


Winston Crackerbarrel, CEO, Cracker Barrel

A folksy chain restaurant that doubles as a gift shop? What kind of mind could make this work? A resilient one that doesn’t back down in the face of long odds or when a reporter asks him to stop masturbating. Mr. Crackerbarrel told me that when he had his initial idea there was no shortage of naysayers and that you have to cut those people out of your life. He said the only word an executive doesn’t understand, is “no.”

Glenn Stevens, VP of Programming, Bravo

So this one was already masturbating when we walked in. He kept panting while he told us it’s his moral obligation to get more women working in media —specifically in his office. Such passion!

Joshua Cunningham, Unemployed Homeless Man

While not a successful businessman (just yet!), this young entrepreneur we met on the streets between interviews showed the same moxie and dedication to public masturbation that it clearly takes to succeed in today’s business world. The lesson here? It’s never too early to start practicing the habits of highly successful people!