We’ve all heard it before: guitar is easy to play, difficult to master, especially for chronic masturbators. However, some of the most ass-kicking riffs in music history are surprisingly easy to learn if you could really focus up and stop pleasuring yourself to Internet pornography for just a little bit. We know there’s a lot available out there, but c’mon. It’ll just take a second.
Seriously, just give it a rest and check these ballbusting six-string behemoths, which are surprisingly rudimentary for anyone who can focus on anything but a self-induced orgasm.
1. “Smoke on the Water” Deep Purple
Deep Purple guitarist Ritchie Blackmore came up with this iconic early heavy metal riff after listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony and smoking a fat doobie, which is why even the dumbest of stoners can play it after taking a bong hit and watching the 1992 family film Beethoven.
All it will take for you to make that sweet, sweet sound is to stop making sweet love to your own self, just for a bit. Like, you can do it later. Just check out “Machine Head.”
Goddammit, I forgot the album has “head” in the title.
2. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” Nirvana
That was a step backward, we can all admit that. Let’s move on to the least sexy song of all time, Nirvana’s breakthrough hit “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”
Okay, get those fingers up on the frets. If Kurt Cobain could play this while thinking of nothing but how to screw Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic out of royalties, you can do it while thinking of nothing but the 37 Pornhub tabs you have open right now!
Let’s just watch the music video to get the riff in your head…fuck, sexy goth cheerleaders! Also, the ones in the video!
3. “Seven Nation Army” The White Stripes
The White Stripes. “Seven Nation Army.” The best and also stupidest riff to ever grace an NFL stadium at the cost of Jack White’s soul.
Let’s do this. It’s not difficult. You just have to stop masturbating for a moment.
Stop. Just stop.
4. “I Wanna Be Your Dog” The Stooges
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and some people here can’t fucking stop whacking it long enough for their guitar pick to stop chafing them, so here we are at the Stooges.
This riff is a fucking beast, and everyone playing on this song was on heroin, leaving them unable to get hard, wet, or anything in between. Hopefully, we can channel that energy into some non-sexual, hard-rockin’…
Nope, moving on.
5. “Rise Above” Black Flag
You can still do it to this? Seriously?
6. “Erotic City” Prince
Fuck it, we’re giving you “Erotic City” by the most sexually charged man to ever live. See if we fucking care what you do with it.
It’s a good riff, and you could totally master it in like 15 minutes, but nope.
Just masturbate and think about that for a minute.