Excelsior true believer, this is a raid! The Trump administration has just announced its plan to ramp up the cartoon-villainy of ICE — actual cartoon villainy! They’re shelling out 20 million dollars to equip ICE with electro-shock gloves à la Spider-Man nemesis The Shocker! Rumor has it that this is just the first of many technical advancements ICE plans on ripping off from Spider-Man villains. What tool from the web-head’s rogues gallery will be used next in ICE’s war on knowing a moment’s peace in America? Let’s take a look!
10. Mysterio Holograms
While ICE loves to employ deception to illegally detain suspected immigrants, famously using a suspect’s own child to do so at least once, the Mysterio hologram might be too much power for these guys to handle. Think about it, this is an army of men who can barely make it through a shift of violating human rights without cranking off to women who don’t actually exist on their cell phones. You give these guys a holodeck, forget about it, nothing would ever get done!
9. Symbiotes
Technically, these are already in play if you count all the parasites and worms they’ve acquired following RFK’s health guidelines. Unfortunately, all they really do is cause abdominal pain, headaches, and nausea. The alien symbiote would be a huge upgrade, offering an approximation of Spider-Man’s power set, organic webbing, and an increase in aggression/homicidal tendencies.
Unfortunately, the symbiote has one major design flaw — vulnerability to loud noises, meaning our boys could no longer blast their favorite Godsmack tunes while brandishing weapons at terrified children. Hard pass bro.
8. The Prowler Suit
Just an all-around solid combat suit, more than up to the task of helping our heroes in ICE thwart such evils as 65-year-old women walking home with groceries and overworked dishwashers. Unfortunately, most ICE agents would decline the Prowler suit due to its association with Aaron Davis. These guys have no problem running around with guns and face masks, literally raiding cities that do not want them there, but they don’t want to be viewed as “thugs.”
7. Pumpkin Bombs
They’re just like regular bombs, only thematic and fun. That fun might be wasted on ICE agents, though — they don’t exactly have a “Halloween spirit” vibe. After all, what’s the fun in going door to door asking for candy when instead you can just take entire families, without a warrant, and detain them for God knows how long, God knows where, and kill a few legal observers with zero repercussions to boot? When you’ve actively participated in something that horrifying, “spooky” doesn’t really cut it anymore.
6. Bat-Glider
Two words: Learning curve. The Bat-glider is a notoriously difficult vehicle to master, and in case you haven’t noticed, ICE isn’t really big on training their people.
5. Scorpion Tail
A powerful weapon good for bludgeoning anyone who could normally outrun an ICE agent, and if you watch YouTube, you know that 90% of an ICE agent’s day is spent trying to bludgeon people who can outrun them. Unfortunately, even our most conservative estimates project that the time they would spend making each other laugh by pretending the tail is their dick would hamper overall productivity by at least 70%.
4. Vulture Suit
A far more user-friendly flight option than the batglider, though it will probably get rebranded to “The Eagle Suit” or “The Soaring Eagle of Freedom Suit” or “The Huge Throbbing Cock Suit of Eagle Testosterone Freedom” or something like that.
3. The Rhino Suit
This one is pretty impractical for ICE field work, honestly — it’s basically just a way, way more expensive battering ram. Nevertheless, it ranks high on our list because the horn is a symbol of male virility, playing into what testosterone-obsessed defense secretary Pete Hegseth would call “a warrior ethos.” The suit also helps make fat look like muscle, which is the number one clothing selling point for most agents.
2. Doc Ock’s Mechanical Arms
These babies solve a lot of logistical problems for ICE. For one thing, an agent in the field could be holding his phone in one hand, masturbating to his chatbot girlfriend with the other, and still have two more arms than normal to commit horrible crimes with! Also, since the average ICE agent lacks higher brain functions, there’s no need for those costly inhibitor chips.
1. Shady Money
That’s right, the most powerful tool in ICE’s arsenal has always been and will continue to be money, specifically money generated by corruption on an almost incomprehensible level. You think 20 million-dollar electro-shock gloves for a militia nobody wants just grow on trees? When you think about it, the only real difference between Donald Trump and The Kingpin is that Wilson Fisk ran the legitimate side of his empire much more competently.
