To this day, you vividly remember that Sunday evening twenty years ago. You were out to dinner when your Motorola RAZR V3 rang. You politely excused yourself and answered, only to be greeted by your neighbor Cheryl breathlessly exclaiming “Somebody crashed his car into your house, and I swear to God it’s Billy Joel!” You dropped the phone and ran out of the restaurant, leaving your friends behind as you sped through the streets back to Bayville. You got there in record time, but sonofabitch! The unofficial God of Boomer Rock had already left the scene, leaving you to deal with countless lawyers over the next several months as you tried to patch up the foundation damage (and subsequent drainage issues) resulting from his reckless little late-April stroll.
And what are you going to do, get mad? Fuck no. You’re going to get prepared. We all know lightning can strike twice, so The Hard Times is going to ensure you’re ready when Mr. Long Island decides to give your domicile another kiss on the cheek with his 1967 Citroen. After all, the dude might be a shitty driver, but goddamn is he a great performer. So shell out the dough to get that old Steinway tuned and park your ass by the window, as we give you a guide with 10 songs spanning Billy’s esteemed career (that for the love of Christ does NOT include “We Didn’t Start the Fire”) you can request he play for you the next time he drives his car into your house.
10. Temptation
Alright, let’s get things started! You want to begin with a song that eases you into the night while also building excitement and matching the energy of a freshly demolished living room, and we can’t think of a better opener than 1986’s “Temptation.” So settle in and enjoy this private show courtesy of a very reluctant, uncomfortable, and visibly drunk performer. Isn’t this great?
9. Summer, Highland Falls
This one might be a toughie for ole Billy. He hasn’t played it in a while and those arpeggios are quick. Not to mention he may still be cold and shaken up from the crash just having occurred outside. These are his problems, though. You’ve earned this concert, and you are fully entitled to this song if it’s what you want to hear. Go ahead and look up the sheet music if he requests it, but don’t go caving in to all of his demands. This is your night, after all.
8. The Downeaster ‘Alexa’
You might not possess all the resources Billy needs to perform his iconic ode to the plight of the Long Island fisherman, but whatever. This ain’t Madison Square Garden, so he can cope with the absence of his accordion for one goddamn set. Fuck it, you don’t even need to know barre chords to play this on guitar, so grab your old acoustic off the wall and join in with him. Artists love when their fans impulsively do stuff like that.
7. Stop in Nevada
This is going great! At this stage in his career, he’s just got to be sick of the idiot fan who constantly shouts “Piano Man” during his shows, so you’re definitely a step ahead of that guy. You had to have impressed him with this request, and there will definitely be an appraising nod thrown in with his constant furtive glances at the door. Looks like someone will become his new number-one fan!
6. Los Angelenos
The initial wave of adrenaline from having Billy Joel in your house will likely start to fade by this point, and you’ll start to realize that he’s actually kind of banged up from that wreck. He’ll have definitely earned himself a glass of water (and any bandages he may need) during this song. Best to err on the side of caution and make sure you’ve locked the door while you’re up, though. We’d hate for the concert to get cut short.
5. Sleeping With the Television On
This song is a personal favorite of ours, and definitely has more of an upbeat tone than the last couple, which is good because he’ll definitely have had enough. It’s impossible to not tap your toe to this one, though, so we’re hoping it’ll be an energy boost for him.
4. Rosalinda’s Eyes
This song is absolutely gorgeous, and frankly, we’ve been surprised that it was never a huge hit ever since we first heard it on an episode of “Freaks and Geeks” 25 years ago. We’d love to hear whatever backstory may have inspired the lyrics, but Billy may be more interested in getting out of the house and having his wounds tended to, which is a fine preoccupation so long as it doesn’t affect his performance.
3. Surprises
We’ll take it easy for these last few songs, because Billy definitely will be ready to rest. Let him slow the pace down a bit and do his best Paul McCartney impersonation with 1982’s “Surprises.” We predict that he’ll be absolutely nailing it despite being out of practice and in a completely new and frightening environment. What a pro!
2. Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)
You can tell him this is the last song, so he’ll really be pouring his heart, soul, and maybe even some actual blood into it (depending on the severity of the accident that brought him here.) The heartfelt lyrics he wrote for his daughter should bring a tear to your eye, which may increase the resentment he’ll have felt for you since you convinced him to play these songs. Oh well, he can tough it out for a few more minutes.
1. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
We know this is an Elton John song, but you really like it, and he crashed his car into your house, for fuck’s sake! If he wanted to avail himself of the privilege of picking and choosing the songs he plays live, he would’ve brushed up on his driving skills before setting out. Remind him that he can for sure leave after this and enjoy the unique rendition. We sincerely doubt he’ll be open to any encore requests, so bravo, Mr. Joel! Bravo!