Five Humane Alternatives To Declawing Your Neighborhood Crust Punk
Oh no, it happened again! Looks like your neighborhood crust punk got scared and scratched your kid after she got…
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Steve Packosky
155 stories found
Diehard MTV News Fan Only Going to Megadeth Show to Hear First Five Seconds of “Peace Sells”
BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth…
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5 Thrash Bands You Might as Well Check Out Since You Don’t Know How To Patch the Hole in Your Only Pair of Jeans
Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a…
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Weird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the Mood
FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual…
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Pregnant Woman Weighing Ethical Considerations of Bringing Child Into World Where Metallica Still Releasing New Music
CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular…
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Genius Janitors Now Forced To Solve Equations on Own Blackboards Following Trump’s Harvard Contract Cuts
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted…
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Opinion: I Never Would’ve Booked This Room on Airbnb Had I Known It Was the One From the “Virtual Insanity” Music Video
OK, let me make myself exceedingly clear on one thing: I always do the necessary amount of research before I…
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Municipal Waste Fan Horrified To Learn He Drank Responsibly Last Night
CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local…
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The Next “Newsies”? These Children I’ve Employed Won’t Stop Complaining About How I Don’t Pay Them
These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to…
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Metalhead With No Hygiene Habits Inexplicably Owner of Most Beautiful Head of Hair You’ve Ever Seen
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered,…
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