DAYTON, Ohio — Wise punk elder Jerry “Solly” Solowicki was asked to mediate this week between two bands that each claimed ownership of one of the Dayton scene’s few drummers, ultimately decreeing the drummer be sliced in half to ensure equal reward, mystified onlookers confirmed.
“For a few months now, our drummer has been in what he called a ‘fun side project,’ which sounded like no big deal,” said Eighth Place guitarist Tom Whitcroft. “But when we hear he’s playing a few out of town gigs with them, and even telling them that we’re the side project… I knew we had to take this matter to Solly.”
Witnesses testified Solowicki thoroughly studied the countenance of both bands presenting their claims, and by means of penetrating wisdom, decreed that the drummer should be bisected and split among the two bands.
“Solly was just rubbing his forehead the whole time, looking real annoyed. Then, out of the blue, he screamed, ‘Bring me a knife! Cut the drummer in two, and give half to one, and half to the other,’” said Rage Station vocalist Andy Mulligan. “I thought it was a super dumb plan, but I yelled ‘dibs’ on the top half anyway. I didn’t wanna be stuck with a no-arm drummer who is all bass drum and high hat.”
However, Whitfield, alarmed by this violent ruling, pleaded with Solowicki to let the drummer remain whole and play with the side project, as it betters the scene to not potentially lose one of its precious few drummers.
“That’s when we all realized the true intention of Solly’s ruling: he didn’t really believe the drummer should be cut in half at all, but instead wanted to prove that me and my other bandmates were the drummer’s true owners,” said a relieved Whitcroft.
Solowicki later admitted, however, that Whitcroft’s assumption was not at all his intention.
“I’ll be honest, I was hungover as balls and just wanted these dudes to stopping talking about this bullshit,” said Solowicki later. “I would’ve been straight up O.K. with them murdering the drummer and burying his two halves in a shallow grave if it meant they’d leave me alone. These pop-punk dudes really need to grow the fuck up and get a life already.”
Photo by Kat Chish.