DUMONT, N.J. – Former Misfits frontman Michale Graves expressed his plan to storm Heaven’s Gates if his recent pivot to Christian music does not result in St. Peter letting him in, sources report.
“I learned from Donald Trump that you should never take no for an answer,” Graves told reporters. “That’s why I went to Washington D.C. on January 6th, and I don’t see why cosmological matters should be approached any differently. I will exalt Jesus Christ with my music, and He’s going to regret it if that isn’t good enough to grant me a seat at the right hand of the Father for all of eternity. I’d better get in, or Heaven is going to be met with a force it could never begin to comprehend. When people fear God, there is tyranny, but when God fears the people, there is liberty. Consider yourself warned, Almighty One.”
God, the Supreme, All-Knowing Creator of the Universe, was not intimidated by Graves’ threats.
“I’d like to see the motherfucker try it,” the Prime Mover told reporters. “I called up a reserve regiment of angels to stand guard and reinforced the Pearly Gates with double cylinder deadbolts. I had to do something to defend against Republicans, because those fucking morons think they’re somehow on my side, and they cry like babies and resort to violence when they don’t get exactly what they want. If you think I’m suddenly shaking in my boots because some entitled, has-been punk singer suddenly thinks he’s worthy of My Kingdom after releasing a shitty Christian rock record, you’ve got another thing coming.”
Music expert Shanice Burke expounded upon the matter.
“Christian rock is great when you’re completely out of ideas, or in Graves’ case, never really talented to begin with,” Burke provided. “It’s clearly the worst form of music there is, and the lyrics are mind-numbingly stupid, so basically anyone can do it. While I’ve never heard of someone having a backup plan to enter Heaven by force if the music doesn’t get them in, I’m not surprised. I fully expect to see other right-wing artists do the same, even though I can’t imagine they’ll be successful infiltrating Heaven when all they managed to do at the Capitol was wander around and smear their own shit on the walls.”
At press time, Graves was seen spreading rumors that the tally system used by St. Peter had been tampered with.
