LOS ANGELES — Movie star and empty-smiler Tom Cruise achieved the seemingly impossible by outrunning a treadmill while training for his new film “Mission: Impossible – Electric Boogaloo,” out-of-breath sources confirmed.
“I’ve hung off the Burj Khalifa with a magic sticky glove and free solo’d a mountain, but outrunning a treadmill is unquestionably harder than any film stunt I’ve done,” stated Cruise, laughing vacantly. “It was one of those treadmills that Olympic speed-skaters use to train. The thing goes more than 30 miles an hour. Initially, I was wearing a safety line and keeping pace, but I noticed it was holding me back a bit, so I unhooked it, immediately accelerated, and just ran off the treadmill and kept going through the nearby wall. It was crazy.”
Longtime fan Steven Terrison commented on the importance of running to Cruise’s career.
“Whether or not he knew it, Tom Cruise has been training for this his whole life,” argued Terrison. “Most people who see him frantically running in movies, whether outrunning explosions or trying to catch a plane about to take off, probably thought it was pointless showmanship for the camera. It’s not. You gotta understand: when Tom Cruise is running, he’s not acting or playing a character. That’s Tom you see sprinting like a goddamn maniac for way longer than is possible for any human. And that’s because Mr. Cruise is the closest thing we have to a superhero. Ever seen him in the same room as Captain America? Didn’t think so.”
Kinesiologist Abigail Behling discussed how Cruise is still able to sprint that quickly in his 60s.
“To the average movie-goer, it might seem astonishing that Tom Cruise can still run like that,” illustrated Behling. “But it’s easily explained: he’s got a weird-looking six-pack and he’s able to run like a coked-up cheetah because he’s wealthy and famous, and it’s his job to be in that kind of ridiculous shape. And steroids. Lots of steroids. Beyond that, he does seem to defy some laws of physics and all aging. Maybe there’s something to this Scientology business, after all.”
At press time, Cruise also stated that his next goal is training to jump over the Grand Canyon on foot.
