LOS ANGELES — Local 33-year-old Dylan Arnold, who is either in the middle of a breakup or just lost his job, was recently seen in a Barnes & Noble purchasing a really, really big fantasy book, confirmed sources who tried not to stare but just couldn’t help it.
“I guess there are supposed to be like 22 of these or something,” said Arnold while holding book one of a fantasy series no one’s even heard of. “It isn’t even finished yet. I guess the author died so some other fantasy writers are going to finish it for him. Lucky guy. Either way, I just need something, anything to fill my time. This 1,800-page novel will do. The book was so heavy that I needed help from an associate to carry it to my car. It was nice to experience some human interaction before I don’t talk to anyone for the next month.”
The massive tome of a book caught the eye of fellow shopper Greg Cobb, who couldn’t believe the size of this fucking thing.
“That disheveled man, who clearly was just told that he has a terminal illness or someone stole his identity, was meandering about with the biggest book I’ve seen in all my years,” said Cobb. “I have no clue how anyone could finish a book that large, but he clearly does not bother with showering or clean clothes, so I suppose he now has a lot of free time on his hands.”
Jonathan Shouta of Harper Collins Publishing noted that men who are clearly going through something make up a significant portion of readership in the fantasy genre.
“Our books provide a wonderful escape for someone who was likely saving up for an engagement ring before their partner told them they were moving to Denver,” said Shouta. “The worlds our authors create allow for our readers to divide into lands unknown. Places where they haven’t just been let go from a position that was supposed to be temporary and ended up being eight, miserable, under-paid years. We are also very popular in prisons.”
At press time, Arnold was seen utilizing the bookstore’s buy-one-get-one free cookie promotion on his receipt for his first meal of the day at 8:30 p.m.
