ANCHORAGE, Alaska — The Make-A-Wish request made by nine-year-old cancer patient Corey Sawyer to meet Queensrÿche guitarist Michael Wilton was clearly influenced by his father, 48-year-old Rick Sawyer, sources report.
“Queensrÿche are absolute pioneers of the progressive metal genre,” the younger Sawyer monotoned in an obvious regurgitation of his father’s words. “They took the technical proficiency of popular bands of the ‘70s and ‘80s, like Queen and Van Halen, and seamlessly transformed it into a subgenre of metal that’s still around today. Do you think we’d have bands like Dream Theater, Symphony X, and even more extreme bands like Opeth, without Queensrÿche? There’s no way, so my da—I mean, I’m really excited to meet their original guitarist. There’s no way I would’ve rather gone to Super Nintendo World in Japan over this.”
Corey’s dad was proud of his son’s supposed decision.
“My little Corey really has great taste, doesn’t he?” the elder Sawyer beamed as he gathered an extensive collection of Queensrÿche merch he’d amassed over the past three decades to be signed. “I’m so proud of my little guy for wanting to meet the guitarist who was so instrumental in creating our favorite subgenre of metal. Corey loves to listen to me go on about growing up as the only Queensrÿche fan in my school while we listen to ‘Operation: Mindcrime’ on repeat. The other day he was so content while I was explaining to him the intricacies of their lead work that he fell asleep. I can tell he’s just beside himself with excitement to meet my—I mean, his favorite guitarist.”
Wilton was confused by his experience.
“I think Make-A-Wish is great, so when they contacted me to meet one of their patients, I was happy to do it,” Wilton said. “However, when I got there, Corey appeared to be absolutely bored out of his mind, and his dad kept thrusting old shirts and hats for me to sign ostensibly for his son. The kid even took out his Nintendo Switch and started playing Fortnite in the middle of our meeting, which his father didn’t even notice as he was asking me about my experience writing ‘Rage for Order’ and taking the band into a proggier direction in the mid-‘80s. I’m beginning to wonder who made the decision to request for me to come out here.”
At press time, Make-A-Wish employees were skeptical of the elder Sawyer’s latest request for VIP Dokken tickets.
