Hey man, thanks for answering my Craigslist ad. The guys are super excited to jam with you. Just one thing, though: I may not have mentioned the specific type of metal that we play. Unlike most bands in the genre, our music actually has a positive message rooted in Christianity. Hopefully, that’s okay with you, because if you’re interested in joining, you need to have an unwavering commitment to Christ and/or know how to play drums and have your own kit.
That shouldn’t be an issue, right? Sorry I’m being so selective here. It’s just that the world is so full of evil these days, and I want my band’s music to act as a counterweight to all the wretchedness out there. You seem like a great guy, so I’m sure you’re on board with that. I’m going to need you to be. That is, unless you know how to play double bass, in which case I’m definitely open to conversation.
It is true that the drummers in our metal scene are few and far between, but I don’t want you to think that the reason we met with you was because you’re literally the only person to respond to our ad. You are, but that’s definitely not the case. I can tell you’ve adopted a pious, Christlike lifestyle even if you don’t identify as a Christian and have outspokenly abjured religion several times since our meeting started.
Also, I’d honestly prefer if every member of our band had Christian influences, but with that being said, devout metal drummers definitely aren’t the easiest thing to find, so if you learned to play drums by listening to Deicide, I guess I understand. On that note, what’s that band on your shirt? Mercyful Fate? I’ve never heard of them, but they sound pretty righteous. With a name like that, they’re probably singing the praises of our Lord and Savior in every song. You’re going to fit in better than I thought!
Welcome to the band! By the way, we start every practice with a group prayer, and — what’s that? That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, and you’re definitely not going to take part? Ok, that’s alright, no biggie. Well, what are we sitting around talking for? Let’s jam!