NEWTON, Mass. — A local man’s once beloved band tour shirt was unceremoniously demoted to being worn exclusively as pajamas after the group was declared cancelled by the general public, family members have confirmed.
“What the hell did I do to my owner to deserve this? I’ve been a conversation piece for over two decades, and just because people found out the lead singer DM’d some underage girls and the rest of the band knew, I have to be downgraded to sleepwear? If people can separate the art from the artist, surely we can do so for the merchandise as well,” said the shirt from its new permanent spot draped over an office chair. “I’m lucky if I even make it past the bathroom after his morning shits, on top of the humiliation of being in the jammies rotation with a Morrissey tank top. I yearn to be free!”
The shirt’s owner said his choices were either transitioning it to pajamas or throwing it away.
“Don’t get me wrong, I feel disgusted and betrayed by the band’s actions and will never support them again. But this shirt is from the first show I ever attended, so I figured the next best thing was to keep it around for wearing to bed or when I’m too lazy to put on fresh clothes in the house. I got some nasty looks last time I wore it out in public, so it was either this or the trash can,” said James Thomlinson. “I’ll wear it to sleep for a few months until it gets all stretched out and then cram it into the back of my closet where the moths can take care of it”
Second hand clothing stores have been struggling to find viable uses for shirts from problematic bands.
“We’ll take almost anything so long as it’s in good condition, but man these pop punk and emo tees are a hard sell and yet we’ve been flooded with them after all these bands have been outed as creeps. We’ve ‘rebranded’ them as dish rags and animal pee pads in order to make them more appealing, which seems to be working,” said Savers manager Diane Parsons. “You should see how many Brand New tees we’ve sold as reusable diapers. It’s our number one seller.”
As of press time, Thomlinson’s wife surprised him by incorporating the shirt into an upcycled blanket with the rest of his cancelled band tees.