DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in an average week, confirmed sources in their Jungle Rot boxers on the exam table.
“I began calculating a number that wouldn’t result in me being admitted or, worse, my doctor thinking I’m some loser who just drinks water like some kind of Stryper fan. If I say five, I sound like I have no friends,” Landon whispered to a nurse, eyes darting to a poster about liver health. “But if I tell him the truth—which is probably case, case-and-a-half depending on band practice and whether AEW has a PLE on—I’m gonna find myself forced to talk to a guy named Chad who wants to speak to me about my ‘journey.’ And not Steve Perry’s Journey. So I said 7, maybe 10, I just left out that was per day.”
Dr. Veda Narayanan, who reportedly kept a neutral expression throughout the exam, later told colleagues that she knew Landon’s answer was “distorted” based on the patient’s blood work alone.
“Let’s just say his blood actually smelled like Jägermeister. I’ve seen livers in worse shape, but they were in corpses I dissected in medical school,” Narayanan said, flipping through AA pamphlets. “And this is on top of all the other medical issues he has from not having seen a doctor since his last high school vaccination.
Sociocultural addiction specialist Dr. Amelia Roach explained that this is a common issue with aging metalheads.
“It’s a tightrope. Metalheads in their mid-to-late 30s, still wearing battle vests with patches for bands from before 1997, often have to strike a precarious balance between life and living,” Roach explained. “They don’t want people to be embarrassed to be seen at Maryland Deathfest with them because last year they passed out in the Port-O-Toilet but they also don’t want to be seen as a wet blanket.”
After the check-up, Landon announced he’d be making some changes to his lifestyle. Specifically, he plans to cut back and drink Jack and Diet Cokes from now on.