MINNEAPOLIS — Retail giant Target announced a last ditch effort to win back support from the LGBTQ+ community by revealing their beloved mascot Bullseye is a known power bottom, company executives confirmed.
“Months of declining sales and being dunked on mercilessly all over social media have allowed us to reflect on how we can win back the trust of our queer guests. So starting today, we are proud to reveal our longtime mascot Bullseye is not just gay but an unrepentant power bottom. We’d also like to point out that he’s always had an insatiable thirst for violent ass poundings since day one, so please shop at our stores again, gays,” said CEO Brian Cornell. “Depicting Bullseye as a size king was way more cost-effective than initiatives supporting our queer team members and communities, so fingers crossed the shirts we’re rolling out can pull us out of this death spiral.”
The announcement was met with little fanfare from those still boycotting the brand.
“There’s desperation, and then there’s whatever the hell Target is doing. I guess it’s pretty ‘in your face’ putting Bullseye in assless chaps getting spit roasted on a t-shirt, but this doesn’t change the fact their executives couldn’t wait to throw us under the bus to appease conservatives,” said Michael Hellman. “Plus look how his back is barely arched, they got it all wrong. Gay Bullseye was definitely designed by a straight white woman.”
Prominent non-profit GLAAD has been following many corporations’ attempts to win back queer shoppers.
“Companies who fucked around with their DEI initiatives are now squarely in the middle of the ‘finding out’ phase, and are making desperate attempts to win back customers in the most tone-deaf and hackey ways possible. Comcast apparently is running a two week ‘Will and Grace’ marathon on all networks, while multiple Nissan dealerships are trying to win over lesbians by helping them move into their partner’s apartments free of charge,” said Kelly Wallace. “Just like their previous so-called support, it’s all performative. As far as we’re concerned, Bullseye is at best a bisexual who is having a fling during a business trip before he goes home to his frigid wife. We don’t need that kind of ally.”
After another dismal earnings report, Cornell offered to acknowledge Pride month by personally gargling the balls of anyone who’ll lift their self-imposed boycotts.