LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Second Amendment enthusiast Greg Browner reportedly sprang into action today after the advice “only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun” was whispered to him by his own firearm, sources confirmed.
“There I was, standing my ground as I battled valiantly for the last parking spot at the Dairy Queen when suddenly a voice whispered to me, ‘only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.’ I looked down and realized it was my Sig Sauer telling me what I must do: pistol whip that father in front of his kids and claim what’s rightfully mine,” said Browner, stroking “Siggy.” “Ever since that day Siggy has been offering his sage wisdom everywhere I go. ‘They can pry me from your cold dead hands’ he whispered when they told me I can’t bring him into the DMV. ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people’ finally earned me some respect at my kid’s PTA meeting. ‘Freedom isn’t free’ but the popcorn at the movies sure was after I flashed Siggy at that teenager!”
Siggy denied whispering any of those phrases to Browner.
“Greg needs to stop putting words in my barrel, I never told him to do any of that shit—I specifically asked him to stop waving me around in public before I get my butt locked in a police evidence locker,” said Siggy. “If he actually listened to me he’d have stopped bringing me everywhere after I got dropped in that bouncy castle and launched onto the roof. I was made for combat, dammit, but the most action I’ve seen is from this dumbass sailing warning shots over the heads of neighborhood kids playing ‘ding dong ditch.'”
NRA President Bill Bachenberg advised Americans what to do if they hear their firearms speaking to them.
“If you hear your constitutionally protected firearm whispering to you, the NRA advises you to drop everything and immediately do exactly what your gun says so that nobody gets hurt,” said Bachenberg, holding up the NRA training manual ‘Glock Who’s Talking Now!” “It’s best not to tell friends, loved ones, or especially medical professionals about it either, as they may become jealous that the gun chose you as its prophet and try to take it away. Just look through the ironsights to see the righteous path revealed before you and your firearm will never lead you astray.”
Following Bachenberg’s spirited defense of Browner, the NRA President immediately banned the man from all NRA offices, conventions, and events.