PHILADELPHIA — University of Pennsylvania graduate Nathan Swain says he’s been inundated with calls from recruiters since completing his degree in prison architecture, jealous sources confirm.
“People keep talking about recession, cutbacks and layoffs,” said Swain while preparing for another interview. “Meanwhile, I can barely keep up with all the proposals I’m getting. Currently there’s a huge demand for new, high-tech detention facilities all across the US—and even some abroad. It turns out my dad was right when he told me to major in designing prisons rather than my first choice, which was English literature. I guess he foresaw there would be a need for lots of new prisons in the future. Of course, he’s on the board of a private prison corporation, so he knows a thing or two.”
Swain’s former classmate Sarah Hall had less luck finding work after graduating.
“I was an idiot and majored in Computer Science,” said Hall between double shifts at Target. “Everyone said, ‘learn to code’ but now I can’t even get a reply to any of the hundreds of jobs I’ve applied for. Between tech layoffs and the rise of AI, there’s just nothing out there. I’m thinking I should probably go back to school and try to get into the private prison racket myself. You’d have to kill off your conscience or soul to work in that industry, knowing that your livelihood is contingent on the suffering of others, but at this point it’s something to consider. It beats having four roommates and no health insurance.”
Historian Henry Schmidt says there are certain fields which flourish during times of tyrannical rule.
“Some industries are not only immune to downturns during tumultuous times, they actually prosper,” said Schmidt. “Arms manufacturers tend to do well under authoritarian regimes, for example. And the alcohol sales never suffer in such periods as people tend to increase consumption in an effort to cope with the nightmare of their existence. My own great-great grandfather was an entrepreneur who made his fortune by satisfying a growing demand. He founded Schmidt’s Shackle Co. and manufactured all manner of manacles and restraints in the Southern US in the early 19th century.”
At press time, Swain accepted a job with a private prison contractor which was impressed with his innovative reimagining of the classic “panopticon” prison structure.