WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a “big pox” outbreak, sources confirmed.
“I’m this close to finally proving that artificial dye in tennis balls cause autism in dogs and all these worrywarts can talk about is a teeny little ‘smallpox outbreak’—well do me a favor and don’t come back until it’s a big pox outbreak, and it better be big enough to hit with my car and mount above my fireplace!” shouted RFK Jr., scribbling “Pawtism???” on a white board. “If smallpox is so dangerous, why can’t I see it with my eyes? Because it’s all a scam by the fat cats at Big Science to get you to buy more microscopes.”
Department of Health & Human Services staffer Tom Montgomery claimed this was just the latest in a string of concerning directives.
“How are we supposed to handle big pox when we’re still trying to coordinate his bird flu outbreak response? I still don’t feel good about feeding chicken noodle soup to the chickens either, I feel like that’s how you get zombie bird flu,” said Montgomery, signing RFK Jr.’s name to a “get well soon” card for the chickens. “Not to mention I’ve had to spend the last two weeks trying to find a supplier that can produce vitamin C enemas small enough to fit inside a chicken. Hey, does anyone know if you’re supposed to rub Vick’s Vapor Rub under the feathers, or just anywhere on the chicken breast?”
Infectious disease expert Dr. Ronda Scheffler hoped Americans would take Kennedy’s recommendations with a grain of salt.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am urging Americans to please do their own research and not listen to the HHS’ recommendation to ‘plug up all your holes with beef tallow to keep the smallpox out,'” said Scheffler. “Furthermore, I’d like to state for the record that there is no clinical evidence that tanning your asshole after looking at a rainbow will ‘burn the gay out of your body’ nor does his claim that ‘raw milk embalming will ward off those greedy, thieving mole people trying to steal the bitcoin you need to pay the ferryman to cross the river styx.'”
At press time, Kennedy sent out a memo directing all clinical trials to replace the placebo pill with Viagra.