INDIO, Calif. — Coachella attendee Kayle Cooper breathed a sigh of relief after discovering the Native American headdress she was going to purchase to wear all weekend would not be impacted by the Trump administration’s tariffs, several sources looking to purchase very similar headwear confirmed.
“Like, talk about dodging a bullet! All of my friends had their outfits picked out and there was this really cute headdress that compliments my eyes, and I’ve been freaking out because the news said imports will be more expensive and my dad said we might lose the house. But it turns out they’re made by Native Americans in America, so problem solved,” said Cooper while rushing to get photos in front of the ferris wheel. “I really thought for a second there someone was going to take my picture at Charlie XCX’s set looking boring. I’ll gladly pay more for everything else if it means I can still look like a beautiful Native princess, but on molly.”
Apparel vendors just outside of the festival grounds were also relieved the government’s new tariffs would have a minimal impact.
“I personally don’t approve of cultural appropriation, but this is my busiest weekend thanks to all the suburban white dorks who haven’t gotten the memo about cultures not being costumes. Regardless, my margins are razor thin so I was sweating over the Canadian tariffs where I source my headdresses from. They’re handmade and not cheap, let me tell you,” said Marcus Livingston. “I was able to procure some from the good ol’ USA, of course I didn’t tell them who I’d be selling them to because they’d definitely say no. I hope they do well, because the cost of all the Asian and Latin American apparel and accessories I have are through the fucking roof.
Peter Navarro, Trump tariff expert, stated that avoiding a tariff on Native American goods has been the administration’s plan the entire time.
“Everyone who complained about the tariffs being reckless and misguided clearly did not see the big picture here, which is ensuring the rich tradition of Native American culture is carried on through our beautiful, white festival goers,” said Navarro. “Anyone who says otherwise will be rounded up and sent to a much shittier music festival, that much we can promise.”
At press time, Cooper was in shock after seeing the rest of her Native American outfit from SHEIN would cost 154% more than anticipated.