As I write this from a jail cell for accidental tax evasion, I know one thing is certain: the world of finances remains a great mystery, but learning how to square dance has made me a much better person.
Did you know I met my first girlfriend square dancing? I got a promotion when my boss saw me square dance. I even saved a man’s life by square dancing! Let me set the scene: it’s a beautiful black tie event. I start square dancing and accidentally bump into the mayor of Minneapolis while do-si-doing. I gasp as a weenie hor d’oeuvre cannonballs out of his airway. Turns out, he was choking and my square dancing was the perfect, direct hit Heimlich maneuver. It has truly been a light in a dark place, especially since I was living in my Mercury Sable at the time after declaring bankruptcy. All I can say is, thank god for the American school system.
I just wish I had been a bit smarter about my finances. I wish someone taught me how to balance a checkbook or what a high yield savings account was. It would have been amazing to learn what interest was… My friends were kind enough to help me pay off a large chunk of my $250,000 of debt, but unfortunately, all I could give them were IOUs. They don’t talk to me anymore, I get it. The only person calling me nowadays is Dan Fielder from collections. He never wants to just grab a beer—it’s always “unpaid balance this,” and “foreclosure process that.”
But sometimes, the thrill of square dancing makes up for all of my financial struggles. It’s so emotionally rewarding. I’m thinking about turning square dancing into a career, so I can finally make money from what I love doing most. There has to be an audience for niche group dances taught in in middle school. I can even throw in other ‘90s PE classics, like hiding under a colorful parachute together, or riding scooters down a bumpy blacktop slope. I’m sure there’s dozens of dollars to be made here.
Thankfully the education system gave me plenty of other skills to become a successful adult. It taught me the three P’s: the Pledge of Allegiance, the Pythagorean theorem, and Punnett squares. Can you say, “cha-ching”?
Photo by Unuaiga.