SAN FRANCISCO — Pop punk archaeologists uncovered shocking evidence that ancient Green Day fans boiled captives alive inside of hollow bronze statues of Tré Cool, East Bay sources reported.
“We discovered human remains and melted nose piercings inside of a bronze statue of Tré at our Pinole dig site,” said chief UC Berkeley Pop Punk Anthropologist Dr. Tara Hernandez. “Evidence suggests that prisoners, most likely Sum 41 and Good Charlotte fans captured in battle, were slowly roasted to death inside the heated statue. The internal acoustics of the bronze Tré were modified so the screams of those inside sounded like the opening lines of ‘Basket Case,’ and steam would vent out of the statue’s ass and make a ‘Kerplunk’ sound in reference to the album. Turns out, a lot of torture devices throughout human history have been inspired by famous drummers.”
The “Bronze Tré” had long been considered a myth by the Green Day community.
“I thought it was just a made up story meant to scare children, like how the band used to be just three guys or that the bassline from ‘Longview’ was used to conjure ancient spirits at local Berkeley cemeteries,” said Green Day fan Chris Kornall. “I can’t say I’m shocked since listening to any album the band has release in the last ten years is still a form of torture. Is choking to death while watching your skin bubble and crack like bacon really worse than listening to anything off of ‘Father of all Motherfuckers’? I’d rather be burnt alive than have someone pander to my nostalgia.”
Punk memorabilia enthusiast Fred Burns says he has a fully functional Cool statue built for his private collection.
“We got to test the replica on a My Chemical Romance fan on death row,” said Burns. “The guy actually exploded inside because of all the hairspray, but the device was designed to account for that. Those Ancient Green Day fans were some real sick bastards. The torture method was so widespread that the full title of the band’s 2000 album ‘Warning’ is actually ‘Warning: Criminals And Hertics Will Be Burned Inside Of The Bronze Snoo.’”
At press time, archaeologists confirmed that the remains of the great wooden Mike Dirnt were used by Green Day fans in the siege of ancient Albany.