There I was in the neurologist’s office waiting room, sitting next to Natalie Portman. I couldn’t believe it! She was even more beautiful in person than on the big screen and for some reason, she wanted me to hear a song that would “change my life.” As she gently placed her headphones over my ears, I knew we were destined to be together. My wife and kids will understand. Hell, when they see me on the red carpet with Natalie at the Independent Spirit Awards they might even be proud of their old man, and ex-husband respectively.
I remember thinking “I can learn to love The Shins, no big deal!” but it didn’t stop there. Turns out there are many songs that Natalie believes will change my life! And thanks to Dr. Felder’s notoriously long wait-times, I was all ears.
TV On the Radio “Staring at the Sun”
Ooh yeah this is a good one. Certainly meaningful-sounding. Although it is just a song about a guy standing in a lake with his mouth open, right?
Arcade Fire “Wake Up”
Yeah totally. Sweeping chorus, whoa-oh-oh stuff going on. Maybe a stretch that it would change my life but I feel like I saw this in a trailer once and it was very effective.
Rilo Kiley “Portions For Foxes”
Yeah yeah, song’s fine. God she’s beautiful. What color are her eyes? They’re not brown, they’re like…burnt sienna? Cedarwood?
Modest Mouse “Float On”
Hmm. When she says “change my life” does she just mean songs that remind me of high school? Like does she think she’s introducing me to these songs? Whatever, I’m not gonna say anything, she’s so pretty!
Interpol “Slow Hands”
This isn’t even coming close to changing my life. “We spies, we slow hands, put the weights around yourself?” That doesn’t mean anything!
Bloc Party “Like Eating Glass”
Shouldn’t she be playing me the Beatles or John Coltrane or something? And why is she playing everything from an iPod mini?
Ambulance LTD “Stay Where You Are”
Nope, her eyes are definitely just brown. What is she even doing out on Long Island? This is weirding me out.
Dogs Die In Hot Cars “Paul Newman’s Eyes”
What the fuck is this?! Oh thank god, they finally called my name. Hopefully the test results came back negative for this brain tumor and I can move on with my life.