LOS ANGELES — A halftime performance by Icelandic post-rock band Sigur Rós led to an unheard of scoreless third quarter between the Golden State Warriors and the Los Angeles Lakers, disoriented attendees reported.
“In 40 years of broadcasting I’ve never seen a halftime show kill the momentum of a basketball game quite like that,” legendary Lakers commentator Stu Lantz said of the ambient rock trio’s haunting performance. “By the time the last echo loop gave way to the start of the third quarter the once enthusiastic arena had become a frigid black void of eternal isolation. For the next twelve minutes, 20,000 lost souls looked on in silence as players wandered the court in a daze with seemingly no interest in playing the game at all. Ball movement was listless- even by regular season standards- with Steph Curry putting up the sole field goal attempt which arced well short of the rim. As time expired, Warriors power forward Draymond Green led a prayer in Old Norse for which he received a second technical and was promptly ejected from the game without protest.”
Veteran superstar LeBron James offered a player’s perspective on the effect Sigur Rós had on the atmosphere coming out of the locker room.
“Athletes feed off the energy of the crowd so we were immediately lulled into introspective oblivion,” James recalled with his head gently backlit by a halo of glowing frost. “As the superficial veil of ego disappeared, so did any concern for the game. Suddenly a half-court no-look ally-oop windmill dunk felt like a garish defilement of a quieter humility, so instead we took turns holding the mother orb whispering to her our most guarded secrets. Eventually we reentered our bodies and really lit it up in the 4th.”
Halftime coordinator, Stephanie Gill, offered some insight into what makes a successful show.
“The aim is to keep the crowd excited without upstaging the game itself,” Gill commented while in a tense bidding war over the lady who rides the giant unicycle and kicks bowls onto her head. “Obviously Sigur Rós took people on a deeper journey of the mind than perhaps a human cannonball would have, but I think the combination of collective rebirth and Dippin’ Dots made for an overall positive experience. Trust me, I’ve seen worse; Sufjan Stevens once opened the Stanley Cup and they had to push the whole series back a week so the competitive spirit could recover.”
At press time, Sigur Rós was spotted giving Joanna Newsom some pointers for her upcoming appearance at UFC 313.