WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Local Confederate LARPer Dale McKagney was known around town as a loser in his everyday life which coincided with his role-playing life, confirmed sources.
“The art of live action role playing requires one to have as few friends as possible in order to have the ample amount of time necessary to practice Civil War battle moves by yourself on a Saturday night,” said the 31-year-old McKagney. “Sure, I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’ve only heard about the concept of sexual intercourse through word of mouth, but that doesn’t mean I can’t adeptly wield my custom musket in a field with a dozen other Stonewall Jackson fans. And yeah, ultimately we lose, but that’s just a technicality. Also, these Confederate Flags I hang in my room are only to help get into character. Not to mention, Robert E. Lee wasn’t as bad as the mainstream media portrays him.”
On the other hand, LARPers of the Union appeared to be anything but losers in their real lives.
“I have a wife, three kids, a paid off home, a job that pays handsomely, and my health. I only do this LARPing thing as a hobby because I’m such a history biff. Some of those Confederate nerds take this way too seriously,” said live action role player Anthony Fleur. “These neck-bearded dweebs like to talk about preserving their culture. If only they invested that same energy in their own personal life. But I guess that’s why the Confederates lost in the first place. Too many deadbeats on their team and not enough Ulysses S. Grants on their side. These guys should try seceding from their parent’s basement once in a while.”
Civil War experts provided some context on these types of LARPers.
“Many losers like to glom onto the Confederacy as a coping mechanism,” said historian Peter Dwellor. “I guess losers just naturally relate to Jefferson Davis. When you’re so used to losing in your own life, you find a lot of comfort in unsuccessful historical figures. It’s like when MAGA people refused to accept that they were losers in the 2020 election. Plus, they are always head to toe in Trump and MAGA merch. Only a complete loser would dress like that.”
At press time, a nearby group of losers were LARPing as Nazi Germany during a World War II reenactment.